I'm Tired of It All

I am in my last year of my PhD; it went long, and I extended a year. Every year it seems that the job market in both academia and industry is becoming more competitive and less forgiving. Layoffs and funding cuts have become the normal news that I see every couple of weeks. I always had the idea before that it would be very hard for me to land a job among all these better candidates and all these well-connected people. I’m not good at networking; I would rather spend time actually doing something with electronic network gear instead of doing the other networking. I know that this will bite me hard. If I want to get a job, then I must be known, and to be known I need to make myself known. This idea is tiresome, and I hate that.

I am tired of the constant pressure to perform, to network, to be visible. I am tired of the uncertainty that looms over my future. I am tired of seeing friends and colleagues struggle with the same issues, feeling the weight of expectations and the fear of failure. Is it too much to ask for a little bit of stability and the ability to get a relatively secure average-paying job? That’s really all that I want.

But I understand that this is a struggle of my generation, and things will be tougher for a while, if not forever. I just can’t help but feel overwhelmed by it all. I always had the idea at the back of my head: how would I ever find my place in this world? I just want to be able to contribute and make a difference without constantly feeling like I’m fighting an uphill battle. I also hate to be under the spotlight; that’s why I will never seek to be famous or become a social media influencer. I hate social media and don’t want to use it. I tried to pressure myself at many points in time to use it, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

My field is particle physics, which is the field I always wanted to pursue, but I always loved playing with computers and electronics in general. I have a special place in my heart for programming and low-level programming in C and C++. I find comfort in the logic and structure of code, in the way it allows me to create and manipulate systems at a fundamental level. It’s a different kind of challenge, one that feels more manageable and rewarding than the chaotic world of academia and job hunting.

My dream job would be something at the intersection of my two passion worlds: physics (science in general) and computing. So I envy anyone whose job is working in the new sub-field of Scientific Computing. There are even some of these positions at high-tech companies (like NVIDIA) that I would love to work for. But I know that the competition is fierce, and the chances of landing such a position are slim. I also don’t want the pressure of working at a high-stakes job that demands constant visibility and networking, which is probably what is needed for such a job anyway.

So I don’t know what will happen a year from now. I should be starting my job search soon besides finishing my thesis writing. I don’t have high hopes, and I don’t know what will happen. I just know that I won’t give up because that is not even an option.